“All The Good Ones Are Taken” (And Other Nonsense Singles Believe)

“There are not enough good men (women) out there.” “I’m so tired of the dating scene.” “The good ones are all taken.” “I just can’t find the right one. I never have any luck.”

Clients tell us such things all the time. Even in Southern California! Where 23.8 million people are crowded together, in one of the world’s most overpopulated and socially dynamic areas!  Where Greater Los Angeles alone is home to over 17.5 million people within driving distance! Even if we take out those who are happily coupled up, as well as all those we might consider “ineligible” for whatever legitimate reason we could possibly cook up, there’d still be hundreds of thousands of potential matches for everyone looking! (Or, for the super-picky: tens of thousands).

“No one” out there? Not true!

Here’s the problem:

A negative outlook on “what’s available” is self-defeatist in the highest order. It’s a form of self-sabotage! Paradoxically, singles who are convinced that what they are looking for doesn’t exist (or is at least as rare as a pink unicorn with purple wings) will often make this claim: “I’ve been searching very hard for years. I’ve tried everything.” (Perhaps that’s true.  But they were not looking in the places where unicorns tend to congregate, and they didn’t make themselves visible, alluring and irresistible to said unicorns).

Unsurprisingly, people who approach dating this way often end up discouraged, chronically single and perpetually looking – often for decades. In which case it becomes my first hurdle to implore them: “Don’t believe everything you think is true!” 

How do self-limiting preconceptions become ingrained into the otherwise reasonable and rational minds of eligible, and often very attractive singles? Why is it so difficult to break free from negative thinking?

Many singles can’t kick this conditioning because it’s based on years of their own life and dating  experiences – as well at their (you might guess it) single friends. These can become, and then reinforce, a self-defeatist feedback loop. 

Katie Chen, Owner Catch Matchmaking

🛑 Just like birds of a feather flock together, like-minded singles tend to hang out together and take comfort in each others’ misery.

🛑 Almost masochistically, singles tend to seek out happy couples who will nonchalantly tell them: “You’re such a good catch, I can’t believe you’re not snatched up yet!” (Another affirmation of the belief that the problem is the lack of available matches).

🛑 We all observe friends, colleagues or family members who are now with lovely significant others, happily married, and with kids. (And we ask: Why am I not one of them?)

🛑 As more and more of our friends are coupled up, the pool of singles we are exposed to gets smaller and smaller. Worse yet, it is now limited to a few chance encounters at office parties, baby showers, birthday parties, social occasions and so on. But increasingly, we find these types of occasions dominated by couples. Also eliminated from this pool are singles who do not engage in the specific type of social engagement. The remaining rest isn’t necessarily at the event to find a partner, is of mixed ages, diverse values, and various looks and styles. Any such “mixed crowd” setting drastically lowers our odds of finding a match. It’s nothing but a perpetual game of chance, in which the odds seem to be getting progressively smaller and smaller. 

🛑 People generally remember the bad dates. Negative experiences stand out and again confirm the belief that the good ones only happen to others.

🛑 Holding on to the “no one is out there for me” mantra functions as a form of affirmative self-defense and stress reliever. It’s comforting. It can become a powerful mechanism to avoid having to let go of illusions. It ultimately becomes a welcome and addictive excuse for not consistently doing the hard things, such as making self-improvements and productive changes. Even those which would greatly improve our chances of finding (and keeping) a partner, and happiness. 

Let’s reflect on this:

“Every human being’s essential nature is perfect and faultless, but after years of immersion in the world we easily forget our roots and take on a counterfeit nature”

– Lao-tzu

Tired Of Being Single? Manifest These 5 Mind-Shifts!

✅ Love begins with you. And let’s be frank: Half of it is about you. Nobody can create your happiness for you. Only you can.

✅ Finding love or the right partner is not just a question of sheer “luck” or “fate”.

✅ Work on your beliefs, your attitudes, your fears, your manners, your hopes, your looks, your behaviors. Begin by understanding your personal triggers. Examine and accept how past relationships and conditioning may influence your current beliefs and behavioral patterns – and try to never repeat something you clearly know was a mistake. 

✅ Become clear and firm about your vision, your goals and must-haves for a partner and a relationship. Focus on these without fail, but let go of the less essential.

✅ Accept, manifest and affirm that is within your own power to maximize attracting, meeting, and engaging with your preferred type of partner. 

Also important: Don’t fall into the trap of paying too much credence to the opinions and advice of your single friends. Friends will naturally gravitate to tell you what you want to hear. Friends don’t enjoy criticizing one another, but prefer to validate each other. And, just like any other shared misery, the shared “misfortune” of being single is a strong and addictive bonding experience. 

No wonder then that your single friends will want you to join their never ending chorus, their singing:

Sadly the good one’s are all taken,

but only we are cruelly forsaken.

For others love may flourish and bloom,

only for us it’s all doom and gloom.

At Catch we believe that nobody should have to be alone. And that nobody should ever stop dating.

That’s why our newsletter is about making and keeping all romantic relationships exciting. It’s no longer just for singles, but also for couples. If you found this edition helpful or entertaining, subscribe for tips on dating and relationships, entertainment and events, dating spots and ideas, and the latest news and advice from the love experts at Catch.